No matter how old I get it still amazes me how this type of humor makes me laugh; then laugh again.
Monday, July 28, 2008
I can not tell you how many people have advised me over the years not to try to open things with my teeth. These are the same people that have told me when you are cutting cut away from yourself.
Well I do occasionally listen to good advice so yesterday evening when I was attempting to get the plastic stuff off the top of my new bottle of contact lens solution I did not use my teeth. Instead I used a very sharp knife and slid the blade underneath the wrapping and cut away from my body.
Unfortunately cutting away from one’s torso is then cutting towards one’s hand. The knife cut through the plastic then continued its way through to my hand. Basically I stabbed myself.
I have done a lot of stupid things, that have often left spectacular bruises or lumps or bumps, but I have to say I out did myself with this one stupid, fluid motion.
Blood shot up and out spraying all over the kitchen sink, the backsplash, the under hang of the cabinet the floor and all over me. I think I went into a slight state of shock like WTF did I just do? I could not have just done that. Then I thought Oh shit I better stop the bleeding now. So I put my right hand over the stab wound (it was a stab not a cut as the knife when almost ¼ centimeter into the muscle between my thumb and index finger) and put pressure on it.
I was feeling quite proud until I slowly took my right hand off and blood squirted me in the face. Now this may sound odd, but I was in my pink Winnie the Poo Eeyore PJ’s, I had no under clothes on and here I was holding my right had over my left hand so I had no hands, and I’m thinking there is no way in the world that I am going to call 911 and have the paramedics see me dressed like this. I have decided that my nightwear needs a severe overhaul in case this ever happens again. Anyhoo, I could not change my clothes as I really did not have any hands - I could not drive to the emergency room as I did not have any hands this whole no hands thing was becoming a problem.
So I’m standing there in my kitchen surrounded by all this blood wondering what my next step should be. My next literal step was to slip in the blood so now it was on my ass as well because when I slipped I let go of my hand to break my fall and more blood squirted out.
I was getting a little concerned at this point so I tried to call my friend Denise and her fiancé using the index finger on my right hand still placing pressure on my left; no one answered the phone. I called 5 other people and no one answered their phones. I kept wishing that my friend Robert was in town, because he is always good about answering the phone and lives really close to me. It would have been pay back for the night he went boink on his head, but that is another story all together.
Finally I was considering calling 911 when my friend Denise called back. She came over with John and he was like Jesus Christ it looks like some one was murdered in here which for some reason I thought was really funny, so I started to laugh. Denise kind of stepped back from me I guess she thought I was losing my mind along with my blood, but John was like okay let me see it. I felt so bad about the next thing that happened. They were both dressed up and she was wearing a pretty white skirt and he a really nice white shirt and jacket; when I uncovered my hand because he was holding it by his chest I got blood all over his shirt cuff and jacket. He stepped back a bit, covered my hand then told Denise to get a towel – when she did he got blood on her skirt. I kept saying I don’t have HIV so please don’t worry and they keep assuring me that was the last thing they were thinking about.
Long bloody story short, the cut finally congealed so I decided not to go to the emergency room. There is only 1 emergency room in New Orleans – except for the one that they take gun shot victims , crazy people and people without insurance so I felt pretty sure that my wait would be so long that by the time the Dr. would see me it would be too late to get stitches anyway. John and Denise went to Walgreen’s and got me butterfly bandages. I always wondered how they worked so I guess I actually learned something.
The moral of this story is: Umm I not sure there is a moral, but perhaps it can be that accidents do happen, and when they do it is very important to have friends who will help you out.
Thanks Denise & John!
Friday, July 25, 2008
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Dump your lover directly on voice mail
"New phone service makes it easier to get through life's awkward moments
Slydial lets you connect directly with another person's cell phone voice mail, bypassing the traditional ringing process that often results — sometimes disastrously — with someone picking up on the other end."
I don’t think I would take care of a breakup via voicemail, too easy for someone to pretend they did not get your message. I am in favor of the direct approach: “Fuck –off Asshole.” Then perhaps a dramatic finger gesture mixed with a mean stoney stare that I have finally perfected. A little tear trickle so you don't look like a bitch is a good effect when doing the breakup in public; though in all fairness I think it is more appropriate as a private act. Just depends on why you are breaking up.
Of course sometimes it happens kind of like this in my experience:
Alternate breakup version
like Neil says:
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."
As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, Afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold; he is turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse). Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?", he asked.
"He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."
"Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark; the enemy and I'll not be tricked. "Justin cried back
"No, I'm not. That was the old me I've changed...... (wait for it)
"I've found Cod... I'm a prawn again Christian!!"
Monday, July 21, 2008
Friday, July 18, 2008
Interestingly enough PETA decided to debut the ad in Kentwood, LA home of Britney and her sister Jamie Lynn – think that was part of their tongue and cheek effort to get animals fixed?
Wow I would be more than just a tad insulted if I were the Spears Sisters.
Raspootin is amused and approves of this ad :) hee hee Jamie and Britney should get fixed Ha - ookay another thought is did Mrs. Spears perhaps give her daughters this advice and they took it seriously?
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
This is a picture of my friend’s twin daughters. I was really impressed with daddy’s idea for a creative sunny afternoon. He purchased a long roll of paper from Home Depot price $3.00. Some paint: $10.00 some spay bottles in which to put the paint $5.00 and gave them to his children to create their very special one of a kind art master piece: Priceless :)
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
A college student attending a Catholic University in FL took a wafer out of the church without swallowing it.
If this is what the Archdiocese terms “a hate crime” then they as an organization are even more profoundly hypercritical than I initially thought. Pedophile Priests, controlling people through the threat of eternal damnation, Nuns swatting young children with rulers, well these seem more like “acts of hate” that should not be tolerated in my limited opinion on the subject.
The following is what ensued.
"Webster gave the wafer back, but the Catholic League, a national watchdog organization for Catholic rights claims that is not enough. “We don’t know 100% what Mr. Cooks motivation was,” said Susan Fani a spokesperson with the local Catholic diocese. “However, if anything were to qualify as a hate crime, to us this seems like this might be it.”
We just expect the University to take this seriously,” she added “To send a message to not just Mr. Cook but the whole community that this kind of really complete sacrilege will not be tolerated"
Monday, July 07, 2008
Saturday, July 05, 2008
Pictured above the offending furniture O_0
My friend Al recently moved into his mother’s house with his partner to help care for her. In the move they found they had too much furniture. So he tried yard sales and listing the items on Craig’s List. Below is a comment from someone who did not even purchase the furniture. I could not help but laugh as it was such a rude comment from someone who apparently did not even know him. Meredith Lancaster must be a very angry lady with way too much time on her hands!
We're having a huge multi-family garage sale. Lots of cool stuff: furniture, clothes (including plus-sizes), shoes, knick-knacks, art supplies, books, DVDs, jewelry, artwork and tons more. Seriously, we are selling a lot of great stuff. Come buy it!
Yard Sale tomorrow
Saturday, May 17th
Lots of fun stuff! Tell your friends....
Anybody need furniture? If so email me back and let me know your needs. We have lots of excess furniture! Thanks.
"I found this both disturbing and amusing, especially since my sale has been doing so well. I have sold a half dozen pieces already in the $200-$300 range to very nice folks. I did not satiate her with a reply. Talk about bitter bitch with too much time on her hands...." Al
--- On Thu,
From: Meredith Lancaster
Subject: Nasty wingback chairs and couch
** CRAIGSLIST ADVISORY --- AVOID SCAMS BY DEALING LOCALLY
** Avoid: wiring money, cross-border deals, work-at-home
** Beware: cashier checks, money orders, escrow, shipping
** More Info: http://www.craigslist.org/about/scams.html
Particle board bookshelves that are used and dusty,
maybe warped for $160!
Wow, lucky me. Why would I go to Lowe's and buy them
new in a box for less money? Instead, I'll have you
deliver them for an exorbitant price.
Orange, sweat-stained, missing their filling,
farted on, maybe cummed-on,
loveseat and wingback chairs for
$400! Boy Oh Boy!
Honestly, these prices for used furniture
indicate that you are on crack. You
only need $20 to buy a rock.
the shocked and
appalled craigslist community.