Every year with out fail this day comes around in August. I assume it is always the first Tuesday in August? I get along with my neighbors – well there have been exceptions to this which I will expound upon some other time.
What I have a hard time grasping is why Night out against Crime is in August? It is filthy hot outside. Even if you were trying to make a good impression on a neighbor; who can possibly make a good impression with sweat pouring out of every pore. For women it is even worse as typically we try to put on a bit of make-up. I can attest to the fact that your “neighbor” will be the last to tell you that your eye liner is doing an Alice Cooper.
Typically a television crew shows up to show everyone else in the city how neighborly we are being. To this end not only your neighbors see you looking like a wilted piece of shit but your family, friends and the worst – your co workers see you too – and comment endlessly on how great you looked on camera. This praise is always delivered as a double sided compliment: “You always look so good on TV; well don’t worry there is always next year.”
You might ask why I bother participating if I hate it so much. For some odd reason that I really can’t answer the neighborhood association (we are talking a 4 square mile radius) has decided that the perfect place to hold the thing is right in front of my house. Actually I am lying. The DJ sets up on my neighbor’s porch, plugs his equipment into my outside outlet and they put the Port-o-let directly in front of my house.
I assume that because the human port a potty is in front of my gate that the neighbors all assume that it is ok to let their dogs loose in my front yard while they are socializing. I like dogs. I do not like dog poop. I really do not like stepping in dog poop and I really: really do not like cleaning it off my shoes. In fact I would as likely throw the shoes out as clean them.
One last complaint: they block off the street 1 block either side of mine so then you have to find a parking place away from the allotted area and walk to the event. Off street parking in New Orleans is a prized commodity and I don’t have it – so even if I chose to park the car in front of my house the neighbors would politely insist that I move it. Walk to your house wait for everyone to go home walk to you car at 11:00pm to remove it from where you left it: kind of a pisser – okay I am finished.
Well it’s about time for the neighborly festivities to begin so I guess I shall go and find my parking place, look in the review mirror to make sure at least I look passable before it starts and attempt to be pleasant. Or I could just go to my local watering hole and hope they are all gone by the time I get back. That is looking at the Brightside!